Hi ho the glamorous life...

Have been jetting around a bit recently, a couple of trips back to the UK to visit my Dad and a Business trip to France to meet my new boss. This has left me with several observations:

1. Motor Neurone Disease is a horrific way for a human life to end and I want to do all that I can to raise money and awareness for the cause. So please Google "MND Charter" and add your signature to it. It doesn't cost anything and will help raise awareness about a medical condition that kills 1,200 people every year in the UK alone, which strikes  at random, and for which there is no known treatment or cure.

2. Emirates Airlines are a bunch of lying, cynical, money-grabbing bastards!! I fly with Emirates quite a lot and always have a lot of Skywards Frequent Flyer miles in my account. Part of the reason for this is that Emirates make it practically impossible for me to spend them.  My preferred way of using my miles is to book Economy fares, then use my miles to upgrade the return leg.  As a Skywards Silver Member, I am (according to the propaganda on the Emirates web site) entitled to use my Skywards Miles to claim Instant Upgrades at Check In if there are seats available.  It is also (again, according to their web site) easy to upgrade any part of a booked journey via the Emirates web site.

How is it then, that in three years of flying with Emirates, I have only been able to upgrade my flight on-line twice, and upgrade at the airport once???  How? Because the Emirates web site is one of the greatest works of fiction since Nick Clegg's last set of Election promises!!!

Last Friday I was returning to Dubai from Paris on a night flight which I had been trying to upgrade on-line since I booked it 6 weeks ago.  I appreciate that there will always be a limited number of Reward seats available, so I was pinning all my hopes on snagging an upgrade at check-in. I was optimistic about this as the Emirates web-shite was still showing availability in Business Class as I arrived at the airport.  I marched straight up to the Gold/Silver members check-in desk, presented my Silver Skywards card, and politely requested to purchase an upgrade using my Skywards miles.  I was politely told that Business Class was full.  I expressed my disbelief at this, but not wanting to cause a scene, proceeded to check in to Economy Class.  I then phoned Emirates to enquire why their web-shite was still showing availability in Business Class on my flight when the check-in staff were telling me that it was full. I was told that there definitely was still availability and that the check-in girl had made a mistake. I was told to go back to the check-in desk and request to be checked out and re-checked into Business Class.  Then, as I was thanking the guy and about to hang up, he suddenly asked "Wait... Are you trying to upgrade using miles or cash?"

When I told him that I was trying to use miles, his tune changed somewhat.  He told me that there were extra terms and conditions around Instant Upgrades and that I could only upgrade using cash. I explained that this did not reflect the Terms and Conditions on the Emirates web-shite, and was met with a tirade of half-baked excuses. By now I was furious, and explained to the guy that although the situation was not entirely his fault, I was extremely disappointed, and that I would seriously consider boycotting Emirates in future.

I know it seems like a petty thing to get wound up about, but I really do resent being lied to and generally treated like an idiot. The purpose of a customer loyalty rewards scheme is to reward loyal customers.  I've carried out my side of that bargain by exclusively using Emirates for my frequent travel between Dubai and the UK and in doing so have earned a shed-load of "Loyalty" points. Emirates have effectively told me "Hey, you're a loyal customer! Here's a badge, and with that badge comes the right to use your points to upgrade at check-in if there are seats available...." And then, when I try to take them up on this offer, I am told "Pah!!! Your paltry points are no good here. If you want to be rewarded for being a good customer, you need to give us more money. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-haaah...."  To me, that seems akin to Michael Phelps arriving at the winners podium and being told that although he finished the race first, he'll need to do another 30 laps if he wants the medal.

I suppose what it comes down to is a sense of entitlement. If you are wrongfully denied something to which you are entitled, it is going to make you angry. By publishing inaccurate or incomplete Terms and Conditions for usage of the Skywards programme on their web-shite, Emirates are deliberately saddling their customers with a sense of false entitlement, which will inevitably cause disappointment, frustration and anger. And yet they refer to Skywards as a loyalty scheme? I guess that the announcement "During this flight you can join Skywards, Emirates' Customer Disappointment, Frustration and Enraging Scheme" doesn't exactly trip off the tongue.

Bloggedy bloggedy now now....

...Bloggedy bloggedy ask me how

Boing, zing, ping pong ting....

Got a lot more time on my hands for the forseeable future, now that Compleat Wrks is done, so might have a bit more time to write about stuff.  Something that has been on my mind a lot lately is Motor Neurone Disease, specifically ALS. ALS is a progessive degenerative condition that attacks the motor neurones, which are the parts of the brain that control muscle movement and development.  The disease can strike more or less at random, and once it takes hold almost always leads to death due to respiratory failure within five years. I myself was only partially aware of what this disease does to people, until my Dad was diagnosed with it back in March of this year.  Over the last eight months my family have watched this horrific disease rob our Dad of the use of his legs, his left arm and (as of last week) his voice.  The saving grace, is that it has little or no effect on Cognitive Ability, so inside, my Dad is still the wonderful, glorious old bugger that he always has been.  Whether he's teasing his OT Nurse by pointing out that he's had to give up abseiling and has been forced to cut back on his jogging, or finding the silver lining in his loss of the ability to stand up/sit down by casually observing that he never really enjoyed playing musical chairs......

Back in the Saddle....

OK, I haven't been going out as much lately, have been a bit tied up with rehearsing and performing The Reduced Shakespeare Company's Compleat Wrks of Willm Shkspr (abr.).  We played to packed houses, got several standing ovations and had an absolute blast.

In other news, since my last update I have done some or all of the following (in no particular order)

 - Saw Al Murray at the First Group Theatre, Madinat
 - Went for Brunch at Traitteur, Park Hyatt
 - Celebrated my birthday at i2
 - Been to several leaving do's for people who have had too much of the good life
 - Had some crazy nights at Longs Bar, Music Room, Madinat and Rock Bottom

Will be back in the UK next weekend, looking forward to catching up with a couple of old friends and spending some time with my family. Got tickets for Timon of Athens at The National for Sunday afternoon, which is gonna kick ass!!!

D is for Dubai, Dartford and......

...Deutschland! Have been in the Fatherland for a few days with limited access to the interweb, so have had no chance to update. Suffice to say I ate a lot of pork and noodles, drank a lot of beer and also necked a few shots of something called Rammazzotti which is similar to Jager but much nicer. I am currently sat in the Executive Club lounge at Stuttgart Airport, which is a bit crap but at least it is quiet and there is free booze. Next stop, Heathrow, and then The Malt Shovel....

Time Flies....

At least that's the way it seems. Since my last update I've been for Chinese Hot Pot at some dive in International City, Birthday drinks at Trader Vics, had another trip to Jambase (I love it in there) and then.... Out for my mate Simon's stag do. The requirement for the evening was somewhere seedy, so naturally the guy in charge sought my advice and it came to pass that we found ourselves at The Marine's Club at Bur Dubai's Seaview Hotel. For those of you who don't know, this place is everything that the now demolished Rattlesnake claimed to be, in spades!!! The drinks are cheap, the band is awesome and the place is crawling with hookers who don't even try to be subtle about what they are doing. Pure entertainment!!! We rounded off the evening in Rock Bottom, which seemed positively classy in comparison.

It's not a bad life really.....

That has become something of a catchphrase of mine since moving to Dubai, and it has seldom been more true than last weekend. Took a spur of the moment trip to Fujairah and spent the afternoon and night at The Meridien al Aqah. Balinese Massage, G and T's at the pool bar, an amazing meal in the evening and Shisha under the stars overlooking the Indian Ocean. Crashed back down to reality with a bit of a bump when trying to leave my apartment to head to rehearsal on Sunday evening. Found that there had been another water leak (the second in two months) and so the lifts were out of action necessitating a walk down 40 flights of stairs....

Speak Engrish.....?

Just been reminded of a comedy moment that occurred in Apres last night. I ordered a Gin and Tonic and asked for Tanqueray Gin. I must have been speaking a bit too quickly because the Philipino waiter looked puzzled and then said "Sir, you no takaray, you drink here!" Laugh? We nearly shat.....