Tuesday 29 May 2012

Bureaucratic Fuckwittery...

Ever heard of the Emirates ID card? Quite a few people haven't by the looks of things, including the Emirates ID Authority. The Emirates ID is a biometric ID card that is about to become mandatory for all residents of the UAE. In order to be issued an ID card, you need to have your Passport, Visa and fingerprints scanned. In order to get the scanning done, you need to fill in a form. All well and good so far..... BUT..... In order to fill in the form, you need to, erm, well in my experience you need to look at the EIDA web site to try and find a Typing Centre, give up because the information about availability and location of the centres appears to have been written by an Autistic 8 year old, ask a colleague where to go, rock up to a dodgy looking photo copy shop in Bur Dubai at 7:00am, stand around for half an hour realising that the staff don't have a clue what they are doing, politely decline the invitation to leave your passport in a laundry basket under the counter for 3 months, give up, attempt to fill in the form online, report the script error that prevents the form from being submitted to the EIDA, get told that the EIDA are fully aware of the problem but aren't going to do anything about it, try another typing centre, tell the guy behind the counter to do one when he tries to withhold your passport for 48 hours, complain to the EIDA, wait for a call back that never happens and finally queue for three hours at a typing centre that isn't even mentioned on the EIDA web site.... all so that you can fill in an application form that asks for your name, passport number, mobile number, and PO Box. Brilliant!!!

Saturday 26 May 2012

Back on form...

Well, it got a bit messy last night. John Cleese was brilliant, effortlessly amusing and a truly charming raconteur. Grabbed a bite to eat at Bar Zar then went on to i2 at the Habtoor Grand to meet up with a few friends. Got through 2 bottles of Grey Goose and had a bit of a boogie, but given that I was dressed for the theatre (Massimo Dutti Cotton Jeans, TM Lewin Shirt, Charles Thyritt Blazer with white pocket square) I have to admit to feeling a bit like a Geography Teacher at a school disco. Everything got a bit foggy after leaving the club, but on regaining concsiousness this morning I realised that some cheeky bugger had charged 400 Dh worth of drinks to my tab. All in all, a pretty good night.

Friday 25 May 2012

John Cleese jollity and Madinat Madness

Almost forgot that I have tickets booked for An Evening with John Cleese at the Madinat Theatre tonight. Given the venue's proximity to Bar Zar and Jambase, it is inevitable that there will be a few drinks afterwards. Watch this space for a field report...

Thursday 24 May 2012

That Friday Feeling...

Friday's are a bit of a non-event at the moment, thanks to sacrificing two of my team to the Gods of "Operational Efficiency" I now have to work on Fridays for two months out of every six. This is not what Fridays in Dubai are for. Fridays in Dubai should be about one thing and one thing only; Brunch!! For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, Friday Brunch is something of an institution in Dubai, whereby swanky (and some not so swanky) hotels throw open their doors between 12:00 and 16:00 for an all you can eat and drink session of gluttony. My favourite of these is the Spectrum on One Brunch at The Fairmont Hotel. 550 Dh gets you unlimited Champagne (not some ropey Cava or second rate Prosecco, actual Champagne), Martinis, Mojitos, all house Wines, Beers and Spirits and a fantastic array of superb food. It is inevitable that some sort of lunacy will occur... Last time I was there, the two girls in our party started making out in the bar (much to the simultaneous amusement and horror of the restaurant manager) and ended up in bed together. I ended up necking Tiki Puka Pukas in Trader Vic's before accidentally wandering into Rocky B's on my home. My friend and I ended up consuming so much Red Bull (VRB and Bullfrogs) that we were both wide awake at 8:00 the next morning. We had another beer, watched a Movie, then headed out to The Irish Village. Well... It was St Patrick's Day...

Wednesday 23 May 2012

Flying, in every sense...

Well, Emirates didn't disappoint, the Business Class cabin of my flight back to The Sand Pit yesterday was virtually empty, so the Flight Attendants were even more attentive than usual. The white wine of choice was a rather lovely 2008 Chablis Premier Cru, and once I had started drinking it, they never allowed my glass to be empty. This, on top of all the Rioja and Champers in the Departure Lounge meant that I was more than a little bit wobbly when I touched down at DXB. A quick stop in Duty Free to pick up a bottle of Lagavulin to replace the one I accidentally drank last week and then on to the chauffeur drive desk to find a car to take me home. A bit of drunk texting may have occurred, but I got home in one piece and collapsed into bed. Very happy to find that my maid had put clean sheets on my bed ready for my return.

Tuesday 22 May 2012

Getting on the plane and turning left...

Some people don't like flying, but I actually rather enjoy it. I especially enjoy flying Business Class, and Emirates do that really well. For an airline founded and based in a "dry" country, these guys go to amazing lengths to ensure that you can get absolutely arse-holed both before and during the flight. I'm currently sitting in the Emirates lounge at Gatwick, and I'm the only person here. I have at my exclusive disposal a full hot and cold buffet and a self service bar stocked with a full range of beer, wines and spirits, including Veuve Clicquot NV, all there for the taking. As I write, I am enjoying a plate of assorted cheese and a rather fine 2008 Rioja. Once I've finished that, I'll probably move on to the Veuve. Once on the plane, the booze will keep flowing as I enjoy a pre take-off glass of 2002 Vintage Veuve, then a couple of G&Ts before dinner is served... Like I said; I rather enjoy flying...

Monday 21 May 2012

Gimme a D... No, another one...

Given that this blog is meant to be about shenanigans in Dubai, it seems a bit daft that I'm starting it while in Dartford. Been back home for a few days to check in with my family and see which bits have dropped off of some of the older members since my last visit. Took care of a few chores around Ma and Pa's place, sank a good few pints in my beloved local and spent about £100 on shaving cream. This time tomorrow I'll be back in The Sand Pit and the tomfoolery can re-commence....

Another platform for me to chat shit about utter nonsense

Everyone seems to have a blog these days, there are even people who can't bloody well read who insist on polluting the interweb with illiterate invective comprised of a combination of "Text Speak" (why don't more people recognise this for the oxymoron that it is?) and common-or-garden bad spelling and grammar.

So, I thought I'd have a go. I live and work in Dubai, I drink rather a lot, and stupid stuff happens when you're wasted so I'll try and write some of it down....