Sunday 25 November 2012

Hi ho the glamorous life...


Have been jetting around a bit recently, a couple of trips back to the UK to visit my Dad and a Business trip to France to meet my new boss. This has left me with several observations:

1. Motor Neurone Disease is a horrific way for a human life to end and I want to do all that I can to raise money and awareness for the cause. So please Google "MND Charter" and add your signature to it. It doesn't cost anything and will help raise awareness about a medical condition that kills 1,200 people every year in the UK alone, which strikes  at random, and for which there is no known treatment or cure.

2. Emirates Airlines are a bunch of lying, cynical, money-grabbing bastards!! I fly with Emirates quite a lot and always have a lot of Skywards Frequent Flyer miles in my account. Part of the reason for this is that Emirates make it practically impossible for me to spend them.  My preferred way of using my miles is to book Economy fares, then use my miles to upgrade the return leg.  As a Skywards Silver Member, I am (according to the propaganda on the Emirates web site) entitled to use my Skywards Miles to claim Instant Upgrades at Check In if there are seats available.  It is also (again, according to their web site) easy to upgrade any part of a booked journey via the Emirates web site.

How is it then, that in three years of flying with Emirates, I have only been able to upgrade my flight on-line twice, and upgrade at the airport once???  How? Because the Emirates web site is one of the greatest works of fiction since Nick Clegg's last set of Election promises!!!

Last Friday I was returning to Dubai from Paris on a night flight which I had been trying to upgrade on-line since I booked it 6 weeks ago.  I appreciate that there will always be a limited number of Reward seats available, so I was pinning all my hopes on snagging an upgrade at check-in. I was optimistic about this as the Emirates web-shite was still showing availability in Business Class as I arrived at the airport.  I marched straight up to the Gold/Silver members check-in desk, presented my Silver Skywards card, and politely requested to purchase an upgrade using my Skywards miles.  I was politely told that Business Class was full.  I expressed my disbelief at this, but not wanting to cause a scene, proceeded to check in to Economy Class.  I then phoned Emirates to enquire why their web-shite was still showing availability in Business Class on my flight when the check-in staff were telling me that it was full. I was told that there definitely was still availability and that the check-in girl had made a mistake. I was told to go back to the check-in desk and request to be checked out and re-checked into Business Class.  Then, as I was thanking the guy and about to hang up, he suddenly asked "Wait... Are you trying to upgrade using miles or cash?"

When I told him that I was trying to use miles, his tune changed somewhat.  He told me that there were extra terms and conditions around Instant Upgrades and that I could only upgrade using cash. I explained that this did not reflect the Terms and Conditions on the Emirates web-shite, and was met with a tirade of half-baked excuses. By now I was furious, and explained to the guy that although the situation was not entirely his fault, I was extremely disappointed, and that I would seriously consider boycotting Emirates in future.

I know it seems like a petty thing to get wound up about, but I really do resent being lied to and generally treated like an idiot. The purpose of a customer loyalty rewards scheme is to reward loyal customers.  I've carried out my side of that bargain by exclusively using Emirates for my frequent travel between Dubai and the UK and in doing so have earned a shed-load of "Loyalty" points. Emirates have effectively told me "Hey, you're a loyal customer! Here's a badge, and with that badge comes the right to use your points to upgrade at check-in if there are seats available...." And then, when I try to take them up on this offer, I am told "Pah!!! Your paltry points are no good here. If you want to be rewarded for being a good customer, you need to give us more money. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-haaah...."  To me, that seems akin to Michael Phelps arriving at the winners podium and being told that although he finished the race first, he'll need to do another 30 laps if he wants the medal.

I suppose what it comes down to is a sense of entitlement. If you are wrongfully denied something to which you are entitled, it is going to make you angry. By publishing inaccurate or incomplete Terms and Conditions for usage of the Skywards programme on their web-shite, Emirates are deliberately saddling their customers with a sense of false entitlement, which will inevitably cause disappointment, frustration and anger. And yet they refer to Skywards as a loyalty scheme? I guess that the announcement "During this flight you can join Skywards, Emirates' Customer Disappointment, Frustration and Enraging Scheme" doesn't exactly trip off the tongue.

Sunday 7 October 2012

Bloggedy bloggedy now now....

...Bloggedy bloggedy ask me how

Boing, zing, ping pong ting....

Got a lot more time on my hands for the forseeable future, now that Compleat Wrks is done, so might have a bit more time to write about stuff.  Something that has been on my mind a lot lately is Motor Neurone Disease, specifically ALS. ALS is a progessive degenerative condition that attacks the motor neurones, which are the parts of the brain that control muscle movement and development.  The disease can strike more or less at random, and once it takes hold almost always leads to death due to respiratory failure within five years. I myself was only partially aware of what this disease does to people, until my Dad was diagnosed with it back in March of this year.  Over the last eight months my family have watched this horrific disease rob our Dad of the use of his legs, his left arm and (as of last week) his voice.  The saving grace, is that it has little or no effect on Cognitive Ability, so inside, my Dad is still the wonderful, glorious old bugger that he always has been.  Whether he's teasing his OT Nurse by pointing out that he's had to give up abseiling and has been forced to cut back on his jogging, or finding the silver lining in his loss of the ability to stand up/sit down by casually observing that he never really enjoyed playing musical chairs......

Back in the Saddle....

OK, I haven't been going out as much lately, have been a bit tied up with rehearsing and performing The Reduced Shakespeare Company's Compleat Wrks of Willm Shkspr (abr.).  We played to packed houses, got several standing ovations and had an absolute blast.

In other news, since my last update I have done some or all of the following (in no particular order)

 - Saw Al Murray at the First Group Theatre, Madinat
 - Went for Brunch at Traitteur, Park Hyatt
 - Celebrated my birthday at i2
 - Been to several leaving do's for people who have had too much of the good life
 - Had some crazy nights at Longs Bar, Music Room, Madinat and Rock Bottom

Will be back in the UK next weekend, looking forward to catching up with a couple of old friends and spending some time with my family. Got tickets for Timon of Athens at The National for Sunday afternoon, which is gonna kick ass!!!

Thursday 26 July 2012

D is for Dubai, Dartford and......

...Deutschland! Have been in the Fatherland for a few days with limited access to the interweb, so have had no chance to update. Suffice to say I ate a lot of pork and noodles, drank a lot of beer and also necked a few shots of something called Rammazzotti which is similar to Jager but much nicer. I am currently sat in the Executive Club lounge at Stuttgart Airport, which is a bit crap but at least it is quiet and there is free booze. Next stop, Heathrow, and then The Malt Shovel....

Wednesday 11 July 2012

Time Flies....

At least that's the way it seems. Since my last update I've been for Chinese Hot Pot at some dive in International City, Birthday drinks at Trader Vics, had another trip to Jambase (I love it in there) and then.... Out for my mate Simon's stag do. The requirement for the evening was somewhere seedy, so naturally the guy in charge sought my advice and it came to pass that we found ourselves at The Marine's Club at Bur Dubai's Seaview Hotel. For those of you who don't know, this place is everything that the now demolished Rattlesnake claimed to be, in spades!!! The drinks are cheap, the band is awesome and the place is crawling with hookers who don't even try to be subtle about what they are doing. Pure entertainment!!! We rounded off the evening in Rock Bottom, which seemed positively classy in comparison.

Tuesday 3 July 2012

It's not a bad life really.....

That has become something of a catchphrase of mine since moving to Dubai, and it has seldom been more true than last weekend. Took a spur of the moment trip to Fujairah and spent the afternoon and night at The Meridien al Aqah. Balinese Massage, G and T's at the pool bar, an amazing meal in the evening and Shisha under the stars overlooking the Indian Ocean. Crashed back down to reality with a bit of a bump when trying to leave my apartment to head to rehearsal on Sunday evening. Found that there had been another water leak (the second in two months) and so the lifts were out of action necessitating a walk down 40 flights of stairs....

Friday 29 June 2012

Speak Engrish.....?

Just been reminded of a comedy moment that occurred in Apres last night. I ordered a Gin and Tonic and asked for Tanqueray Gin. I must have been speaking a bit too quickly because the Philipino waiter looked puzzled and then said "Sir, you no takaray, you drink here!" Laugh? We nearly shat.....

The Legend Continues....

Managed to avoid football again last night by going to Jambase last night. Hendricks, Laurent Perrier and dancing like spastic monkeys drowning in jelly. Then hosted a legendary After-Party (the first one in quite a while) which wrapped up at about 7:00am this morning. Still made it in to work for 9:30 though

Sunday 24 June 2012

That's more like it..

Phew, that was quite a full-on weekend!!! Thursday night was a leaving do for a mate of mine which took in The Noodle House at Emirates Towers and then Harry Ghato's Karaoke Bar. I then managed to arrange alternate cover in the office for Friday afternoon so that I could attend brunch at Saffron as part of a group of 70 people celebrating various different things. Saffron is probably my 2nd favourite brunch after The Fairmont and has more of a party vibe, but the food is not as good and the drinks selection does not include Champagne. Brought a select few people back to my place for a post brunch shind-dig to cover the dry period between 4:00 and 6:00, then we headed out to 1up to make use of the 500 Dh voucher that I won there last week and do a bit more singing. Was feeling a wee bit jaded yesterday, so had a quiet lunch at The Rivington grill with my significant other, then spent the rest of the day at home watching movies.

Wednesday 20 June 2012

Stand Up.... And F*** Off...

So, "Comedy" night at 1up last night. Went along because a mate of mine was performing, but found most of the acts to be about as funny as having your nads hacked off with a rusty Stanley Knife. Ran in to a few mates though, and managed to have our own fun by drinking a lot and deconstructing the acts one by one. Getting in to work for 7:30 this morning proved to be a bit of a struggle though... And there is a big weekend ahead... Watch this space...

Normal service will shortly be resumed...

Whoops, dropped the ball for a while there. Bit busy with work stuff and Am Dram bits and bobs. Managed to squeeze in a bit of night life around the edges though. A friend from the US was in town last week, so there was an obligatory trip to Trader Vics and Zinc. At the latter venue, I pulled off my usual coup of sweet-talking two random females into joining our group for 5 minutes in to bring the the number of ladies in the party up to 5, thus entitling us to a free VIP table and a bottle of Vodka. Sweet! The following day saw me venturing up to Bur Dubai for a Black Tie fundraising do for the Dubai Diggers Dragon Boat team. Free wine and beer flowed all night, and then someone suggested that we stroll down the road to Rock Bottom, a questionable idea at the best of times, but a definite bad call when sporting a bespoke dinner suit and hand made black patent dress shoes. I spent the rest of the evening sipping Bullfrogs whilst standing in the corner trying not to get stuff spilled on me. Last night was a simple jaunt out to Agency at Madinat. A couple of glasses of 2010 Sabourin Cab Sav and a cheese fondue, rounded off with a few Tanqueray and Tonics. Very civilised....

Monday 11 June 2012

Where did the weekend go...?

So, Friday evening saw the DDG AGM followed by a manic drinking session done only the way that amateur thesps know how. The venue was 1up Bar and Lounge in Tecom and Karaoke was the order of the day. After slamming the regulars with my renditions of Sweet Child o' Mine, One Week, Iris, I'm Yours and Tribute, and running up an 800 Dh Bar Tab (consisting mostly of Gin and Jagermeister) I was awarded the 500 Dh first prize purely by virtue of being the last man standing. Needless to say, Saturday got off to a bit of a slow start. Even so, I still managed to knock up a pretty awesome Lasagne using fresh pasta that I made that very afternoon. The Amarone Valpollicella that the missus brought back from her last trip to foreign made a beautiful accompaniment to this and we rounded off the the evening with a couple of digestifs and a snooze in front of the telly. Tonight, I am mostly avoiding the football in the highest bar in the world (At.Mosphere at Burj Khalifa) with an 18 yr old Macallan Single Malt and a Monte Cristo No.2....

Tuesday 5 June 2012

It's quiet... Too quiet...

Did I mention that it was quiet? My significant other is currently laid up with some form of leg lurgy resulting from a hockey injury that has required two courses of anti-biotics so far, so my evening activities have been somewhat curtailed. Went for a stroll around Bastakiya Courtyards with some of the DDG crowd on Saturday, scouting possible locations for outdoor performances, then rounded off the afternoon in The Sherlock Holmes Pub, somewhat out of kilter with it's setting on the mezzanine floor of the Arabian Courtyard Hotel. Several rounds of drinks and some pub grub followed, but everyone else had work the next day, so events drew to a close early. Rounded off the evening with a few glasses of Lagavulin in front of the telly. On the upside, I have a few friends in town this week, so some debauchery may yet occur, and Friday night is already shaping up to be a big yin.... Watch this space...

Friday 1 June 2012

Not much happnin' here....

Aw maaan, this working on Friday thing is really cramping my style. Should only have a few more weeks of it before another member of my team takes over for a couple of months, hopefully leaving me time to squeeze in a couple of brunches before Ramadan starts. For those of you who might be unfamiliar, Ramadan is the holy month in the Islamic Calendar and is a period of fasting, self reflection and self renewal. Whilst the Government here is tolerant to the fact that not everyone that lives here is Muslim (nearly 90% of the population of the UAE are ex-pats)it is expected that those who choose not to fast during daylight hours are respectful towards those who do. Consequently, eating, drinking and smoking in public places between sunrise and sunset is illegal. You can still have lunch if you are not fasting, but you have to eat either at home, or in a specially designated area of your workplace (I have a cupboard on my floor where I can go to eat a sandwich with 37 other people). Bars and restaurants may open after dark, but normally with reduced hours and no live music. Brunches stop altogether. On the plus side, things get really quiet at work and a lot of companies operate shorter working hours.

Tuesday 29 May 2012

Bureaucratic Fuckwittery...

Ever heard of the Emirates ID card? Quite a few people haven't by the looks of things, including the Emirates ID Authority. The Emirates ID is a biometric ID card that is about to become mandatory for all residents of the UAE. In order to be issued an ID card, you need to have your Passport, Visa and fingerprints scanned. In order to get the scanning done, you need to fill in a form. All well and good so far..... BUT..... In order to fill in the form, you need to, erm, well in my experience you need to look at the EIDA web site to try and find a Typing Centre, give up because the information about availability and location of the centres appears to have been written by an Autistic 8 year old, ask a colleague where to go, rock up to a dodgy looking photo copy shop in Bur Dubai at 7:00am, stand around for half an hour realising that the staff don't have a clue what they are doing, politely decline the invitation to leave your passport in a laundry basket under the counter for 3 months, give up, attempt to fill in the form online, report the script error that prevents the form from being submitted to the EIDA, get told that the EIDA are fully aware of the problem but aren't going to do anything about it, try another typing centre, tell the guy behind the counter to do one when he tries to withhold your passport for 48 hours, complain to the EIDA, wait for a call back that never happens and finally queue for three hours at a typing centre that isn't even mentioned on the EIDA web site.... all so that you can fill in an application form that asks for your name, passport number, mobile number, and PO Box. Brilliant!!!

Saturday 26 May 2012

Back on form...

Well, it got a bit messy last night. John Cleese was brilliant, effortlessly amusing and a truly charming raconteur. Grabbed a bite to eat at Bar Zar then went on to i2 at the Habtoor Grand to meet up with a few friends. Got through 2 bottles of Grey Goose and had a bit of a boogie, but given that I was dressed for the theatre (Massimo Dutti Cotton Jeans, TM Lewin Shirt, Charles Thyritt Blazer with white pocket square) I have to admit to feeling a bit like a Geography Teacher at a school disco. Everything got a bit foggy after leaving the club, but on regaining concsiousness this morning I realised that some cheeky bugger had charged 400 Dh worth of drinks to my tab. All in all, a pretty good night.

Friday 25 May 2012

John Cleese jollity and Madinat Madness

Almost forgot that I have tickets booked for An Evening with John Cleese at the Madinat Theatre tonight. Given the venue's proximity to Bar Zar and Jambase, it is inevitable that there will be a few drinks afterwards. Watch this space for a field report...

Thursday 24 May 2012

That Friday Feeling...

Friday's are a bit of a non-event at the moment, thanks to sacrificing two of my team to the Gods of "Operational Efficiency" I now have to work on Fridays for two months out of every six. This is not what Fridays in Dubai are for. Fridays in Dubai should be about one thing and one thing only; Brunch!! For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, Friday Brunch is something of an institution in Dubai, whereby swanky (and some not so swanky) hotels throw open their doors between 12:00 and 16:00 for an all you can eat and drink session of gluttony. My favourite of these is the Spectrum on One Brunch at The Fairmont Hotel. 550 Dh gets you unlimited Champagne (not some ropey Cava or second rate Prosecco, actual Champagne), Martinis, Mojitos, all house Wines, Beers and Spirits and a fantastic array of superb food. It is inevitable that some sort of lunacy will occur... Last time I was there, the two girls in our party started making out in the bar (much to the simultaneous amusement and horror of the restaurant manager) and ended up in bed together. I ended up necking Tiki Puka Pukas in Trader Vic's before accidentally wandering into Rocky B's on my home. My friend and I ended up consuming so much Red Bull (VRB and Bullfrogs) that we were both wide awake at 8:00 the next morning. We had another beer, watched a Movie, then headed out to The Irish Village. Well... It was St Patrick's Day...

Wednesday 23 May 2012

Flying, in every sense...

Well, Emirates didn't disappoint, the Business Class cabin of my flight back to The Sand Pit yesterday was virtually empty, so the Flight Attendants were even more attentive than usual. The white wine of choice was a rather lovely 2008 Chablis Premier Cru, and once I had started drinking it, they never allowed my glass to be empty. This, on top of all the Rioja and Champers in the Departure Lounge meant that I was more than a little bit wobbly when I touched down at DXB. A quick stop in Duty Free to pick up a bottle of Lagavulin to replace the one I accidentally drank last week and then on to the chauffeur drive desk to find a car to take me home. A bit of drunk texting may have occurred, but I got home in one piece and collapsed into bed. Very happy to find that my maid had put clean sheets on my bed ready for my return.

Tuesday 22 May 2012

Getting on the plane and turning left...

Some people don't like flying, but I actually rather enjoy it. I especially enjoy flying Business Class, and Emirates do that really well. For an airline founded and based in a "dry" country, these guys go to amazing lengths to ensure that you can get absolutely arse-holed both before and during the flight. I'm currently sitting in the Emirates lounge at Gatwick, and I'm the only person here. I have at my exclusive disposal a full hot and cold buffet and a self service bar stocked with a full range of beer, wines and spirits, including Veuve Clicquot NV, all there for the taking. As I write, I am enjoying a plate of assorted cheese and a rather fine 2008 Rioja. Once I've finished that, I'll probably move on to the Veuve. Once on the plane, the booze will keep flowing as I enjoy a pre take-off glass of 2002 Vintage Veuve, then a couple of G&Ts before dinner is served... Like I said; I rather enjoy flying...

Monday 21 May 2012

Gimme a D... No, another one...

Given that this blog is meant to be about shenanigans in Dubai, it seems a bit daft that I'm starting it while in Dartford. Been back home for a few days to check in with my family and see which bits have dropped off of some of the older members since my last visit. Took care of a few chores around Ma and Pa's place, sank a good few pints in my beloved local and spent about £100 on shaving cream. This time tomorrow I'll be back in The Sand Pit and the tomfoolery can re-commence....

Another platform for me to chat shit about utter nonsense

Everyone seems to have a blog these days, there are even people who can't bloody well read who insist on polluting the interweb with illiterate invective comprised of a combination of "Text Speak" (why don't more people recognise this for the oxymoron that it is?) and common-or-garden bad spelling and grammar.

So, I thought I'd have a go. I live and work in Dubai, I drink rather a lot, and stupid stuff happens when you're wasted so I'll try and write some of it down....